Sunday, December 12, 2010

One year.

Robert Kenneth Ashworth: August 28th 1984-December 13th 2009
It's been a whole year since Robert went to heaven. I miss him more than ever, and I continually remember how blessed I am that he was and is part of my life. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this blog any more, since it has been so long I have posted anything, but it seemed fitting to post today. I know we all love Robert dearly in so many ways, and I know we all miss him. I wrote in my journal about the night Robert died a few days after he passed. I feel ready to share it with you all now. It was a beautiful night full of pure love, tears, sadness, and hope. It is all from my perspective and my experiences that night. It's near and dear to my heart, so I hope you all enjoy reading it and can feel Robert's love today, even if it's in a small way.
*Written in my journal on December 16th, 2009*

"It was a beautiful, sad, intense weekend. Robert passed away on Sunday. It's weird how writing that sentence makes it more real, and hurts my heart even more.

Robert went into the hospital again a couple of weeks ago, because he started feeling sick. Dr. Gollard wanted to get on top of it so he admitted him and started running tests. Nothing came back positive. They just could'nt figure out why he was sick. He also had a bump on his chest that they biopsied. We got the results from that back a few days after he got moved to the ICU. It was leukemia again. My heart sank. Not only was my husband incredibly sick, but his cancer was back. I felt incredibly discouraged. My main priority was getting Robert out of the ICU, his lungs were having problems, he just couldn't oxygenate on his own, so he was on a respirator, sedated. I didn't get to talk to him, to laugh with him, to read scriptures with him. I felt overwhelmed. All the test results just kept coming back negative.

On saturday Ken called Linda and she called me saying we needed to go to the hospital immediately. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I called Tina Murray, a woman who Paula had given me contact with, since she was doing a conference that weekend. She helped me clear Robert and myself and then I drove to the hospital. When I got there it was intense. It seemed like everyone knew something I didn't. I felt peace, I felt faith, I felt calm. I went to see Robert and the nurse. His oxygen had gotten low and his heart rate had gotten really high. He was stable again by the time I got there. I just talked to him, told him to hold on, to keep fighting, to have faith. I think I was talking to myself as much as him. Brandon came and gave him a blessing with Kevin Jenkins. After that my Dad showed up and I had him and Brandon give me a blessing. They blessed me with strength, the strength to make the decisions I would be asked to make, and to know those decisions were the right ones. I still felt incredible peace.

Dr. Gollard came and took Linda, Ken, and myself into a room and told us that Robert was getting worse, that he was on medications to cover everything, and that he wasn't getting better. He said that he thought Robert's leukemia had come back in his lungs as well as the bump on his chest. I didn't know what to say, what to think, what to believe. I asked what was next, what he suggested. He told me that he wouldn't do anything for Robert, that pretty much it was his time, and not to have the nurses do anything to save him if something drastic happened. Devestation. I felt peaceful and totally sad, all at the same time. My love, my Robert, gone? After how hard he had fought, after all the things he had been through. Not enough time is what was running through my head. Since I was the decision maker they left that up to me. I was alone in the room. I prayed. I called Tina again and told her what had happened. She encouraged me, told me Robert was so proud of me, and that he really trusted me to make these decisions. I knew she was right.

I went out of the room and Janelle told me that Tonya wanted to talk to me, so I told both of them what Dr. Gollard had said and we talked about it. Tonya just told me that in the case that it was anything else that I should keep letting Robert fight. At that moment I totally agreed. If it was anything but leukemia in his lungs, I had to give him the chance to fight. We went and looked at his chart together, looked at his X-rays. She helped me understand more of the medical side of it, which I was so grateful for. I really feel like it ultimately help me make the most important and hard decision of my life. I told the nurse that I still wanted them to keep helping Robert in any way they could. I felt good about that. By that time it had gotten late. Everyone was there and we all supported each other. It was a really great day, seeing everyone who loves Robert most come together to show support and love.

His night was uneventful, I went home to sleep while Linda stayed at the hospital with Robert. He was doing fine, and stable when I arrived on sunday. A little while after I had gotten there his oxygen levels started declining, but still in a safe range. My mom and Ken were there most of the day with me. They left around 6:00 when Karalee came to give me dinner. I ate and hung out a little and then Karalee and I went back to hang out in Robert's room. His oxygen was below 85 when we came in the room. My heart sank. No... was all I could think. I texted Paula and asked her to call me and went and talked to the nurse. She said they were going to prone him, which would help him hopefully oxygenate a little better. I felt scared. Karalee and I had to leave the room at 7:00 for them to switch nurses. I didn't know what to do. I called Paula and she started working on Robert, his energies were so low. I just knew. I was so scared. I cried while she kept clearing. Him and me. In my heart I knew. I told her I didn't want to be the only reason he was staying if it was his time to go. I knew Heavenly Father was calling him. She told me just saying that out loud was enough. I got off the phone, called Robert's family, while Karalee called ours and then I went to be with Robert. I held him, his face. I kissed him everywhere. I talked to him. I told him how much I loved him, how much I would miss him. I told him how grateful I was for him. That he was beyond anything I could have imagined and so much more. I told him we would be together for eternity. And we will be. I told him I would be okay, and that I knew he would always be with me, and me with him. I talked to the nurse, Sarah, she was an angel sent to us that night. She explained to me what my options were, what decision I would have to make.

All of our family showed up. My dad and Todd gave Robert a blessing, releasing him from this life, back to his Heavenly Father. It was beautiful. Everyone had tears. Brandon showed up a little bit behind everyone else and pulled me aside, he told me he had a special blessing for Robert that was whispered to him by the Spirit. It was one of the most sacred and beautiful things I have ever heard.

I talked to the nurse again, knowing it was time, that it was coming no matter what. She told me that I could leave him hooked up to everything, or take him off and let him pass peacefully. After talking to my mom I decided to take him off everything. It just felt right. Everyone said what they needed to and then we left so they could take everything out. I asked everyone to sing when we went back in the room to be with him while he went. We went back in and I climbed on the bed with him and held him, and kissed him. Everyone sang Be Still My Soul, and then God Be With You Til' We Meet Again. He passed during the second verse of God be with you til' we meet again. It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had. My heart was breaking, but I felt such joy for my eternal companion. Such love and admiration. He was so strong. He endured all to be with Heavenly Father and Christ again. And he is. It was hard, but I was so happy that his pain and suffering was over. I love Robert Kenneth Ashworth with every fiber on my being, my soul, my spirit. He taught me what love truly is. He is love. The epitome of love. I couldn't have had a better husband in this life, or companion for the eternities."
I am grateful to all those who love me and support me through everything. I am grateful for the strength and love you provide, it means the world to me, more than I can say. Thank you for loving Robert and being part of our journey. I love you all.

17 comments:

  1. I still come back here, and think of Rob, you, and your families often.

    Katia

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  2. As do I. Thank you so much for sharing. You are one of the strongest women I know.

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  3. I come back still and am strengthened by you. You are incredible and I truly appreciate you sharing your experience. I can't express how much I love and admire you.

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  4. hey is the best ever. ashley thanks for sharing that, it warmed my heart and helped me through that day.. i miss him more than anything, but I know he is watching over us and one day I will see him again! again I just thought I would say thanks to you and everyone else that was part of roberts life. I love you ashley!

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  5. Your story still touches me. I wish for you the continued healing of your heart. I am positive he looks down on you with so much love and pride.

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  6. Hello,
    I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
    Thanks,
    David

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  7. Inspiration! I think of your struggle often and wonder how you are doing. I know that you have remarried a great guy and Iam proud of you for moving forward. May the Lord continue to bless you in your life as you blessed Robert with your steadfast love and devotion.

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  8. I saw that you got remarried shortly after this post. As a long time follower of your blog I would love an update!

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  9. I honestly just knew Ashworth from the mission. Still remember a story he told me about dodging pitbulls while tracting... such a good, chill guy... I had no idea he passed until recently. Very sad news. Thanks for your posts. Very inspirational.

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