Sunday, December 12, 2010

One year.

Robert Kenneth Ashworth: August 28th 1984-December 13th 2009
It's been a whole year since Robert went to heaven. I miss him more than ever, and I continually remember how blessed I am that he was and is part of my life. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this blog any more, since it has been so long I have posted anything, but it seemed fitting to post today. I know we all love Robert dearly in so many ways, and I know we all miss him. I wrote in my journal about the night Robert died a few days after he passed. I feel ready to share it with you all now. It was a beautiful night full of pure love, tears, sadness, and hope. It is all from my perspective and my experiences that night. It's near and dear to my heart, so I hope you all enjoy reading it and can feel Robert's love today, even if it's in a small way.
*Written in my journal on December 16th, 2009*

"It was a beautiful, sad, intense weekend. Robert passed away on Sunday. It's weird how writing that sentence makes it more real, and hurts my heart even more.

Robert went into the hospital again a couple of weeks ago, because he started feeling sick. Dr. Gollard wanted to get on top of it so he admitted him and started running tests. Nothing came back positive. They just could'nt figure out why he was sick. He also had a bump on his chest that they biopsied. We got the results from that back a few days after he got moved to the ICU. It was leukemia again. My heart sank. Not only was my husband incredibly sick, but his cancer was back. I felt incredibly discouraged. My main priority was getting Robert out of the ICU, his lungs were having problems, he just couldn't oxygenate on his own, so he was on a respirator, sedated. I didn't get to talk to him, to laugh with him, to read scriptures with him. I felt overwhelmed. All the test results just kept coming back negative.

On saturday Ken called Linda and she called me saying we needed to go to the hospital immediately. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I called Tina Murray, a woman who Paula had given me contact with, since she was doing a conference that weekend. She helped me clear Robert and myself and then I drove to the hospital. When I got there it was intense. It seemed like everyone knew something I didn't. I felt peace, I felt faith, I felt calm. I went to see Robert and the nurse. His oxygen had gotten low and his heart rate had gotten really high. He was stable again by the time I got there. I just talked to him, told him to hold on, to keep fighting, to have faith. I think I was talking to myself as much as him. Brandon came and gave him a blessing with Kevin Jenkins. After that my Dad showed up and I had him and Brandon give me a blessing. They blessed me with strength, the strength to make the decisions I would be asked to make, and to know those decisions were the right ones. I still felt incredible peace.

Dr. Gollard came and took Linda, Ken, and myself into a room and told us that Robert was getting worse, that he was on medications to cover everything, and that he wasn't getting better. He said that he thought Robert's leukemia had come back in his lungs as well as the bump on his chest. I didn't know what to say, what to think, what to believe. I asked what was next, what he suggested. He told me that he wouldn't do anything for Robert, that pretty much it was his time, and not to have the nurses do anything to save him if something drastic happened. Devestation. I felt peaceful and totally sad, all at the same time. My love, my Robert, gone? After how hard he had fought, after all the things he had been through. Not enough time is what was running through my head. Since I was the decision maker they left that up to me. I was alone in the room. I prayed. I called Tina again and told her what had happened. She encouraged me, told me Robert was so proud of me, and that he really trusted me to make these decisions. I knew she was right.

I went out of the room and Janelle told me that Tonya wanted to talk to me, so I told both of them what Dr. Gollard had said and we talked about it. Tonya just told me that in the case that it was anything else that I should keep letting Robert fight. At that moment I totally agreed. If it was anything but leukemia in his lungs, I had to give him the chance to fight. We went and looked at his chart together, looked at his X-rays. She helped me understand more of the medical side of it, which I was so grateful for. I really feel like it ultimately help me make the most important and hard decision of my life. I told the nurse that I still wanted them to keep helping Robert in any way they could. I felt good about that. By that time it had gotten late. Everyone was there and we all supported each other. It was a really great day, seeing everyone who loves Robert most come together to show support and love.

His night was uneventful, I went home to sleep while Linda stayed at the hospital with Robert. He was doing fine, and stable when I arrived on sunday. A little while after I had gotten there his oxygen levels started declining, but still in a safe range. My mom and Ken were there most of the day with me. They left around 6:00 when Karalee came to give me dinner. I ate and hung out a little and then Karalee and I went back to hang out in Robert's room. His oxygen was below 85 when we came in the room. My heart sank. No... was all I could think. I texted Paula and asked her to call me and went and talked to the nurse. She said they were going to prone him, which would help him hopefully oxygenate a little better. I felt scared. Karalee and I had to leave the room at 7:00 for them to switch nurses. I didn't know what to do. I called Paula and she started working on Robert, his energies were so low. I just knew. I was so scared. I cried while she kept clearing. Him and me. In my heart I knew. I told her I didn't want to be the only reason he was staying if it was his time to go. I knew Heavenly Father was calling him. She told me just saying that out loud was enough. I got off the phone, called Robert's family, while Karalee called ours and then I went to be with Robert. I held him, his face. I kissed him everywhere. I talked to him. I told him how much I loved him, how much I would miss him. I told him how grateful I was for him. That he was beyond anything I could have imagined and so much more. I told him we would be together for eternity. And we will be. I told him I would be okay, and that I knew he would always be with me, and me with him. I talked to the nurse, Sarah, she was an angel sent to us that night. She explained to me what my options were, what decision I would have to make.

All of our family showed up. My dad and Todd gave Robert a blessing, releasing him from this life, back to his Heavenly Father. It was beautiful. Everyone had tears. Brandon showed up a little bit behind everyone else and pulled me aside, he told me he had a special blessing for Robert that was whispered to him by the Spirit. It was one of the most sacred and beautiful things I have ever heard.

I talked to the nurse again, knowing it was time, that it was coming no matter what. She told me that I could leave him hooked up to everything, or take him off and let him pass peacefully. After talking to my mom I decided to take him off everything. It just felt right. Everyone said what they needed to and then we left so they could take everything out. I asked everyone to sing when we went back in the room to be with him while he went. We went back in and I climbed on the bed with him and held him, and kissed him. Everyone sang Be Still My Soul, and then God Be With You Til' We Meet Again. He passed during the second verse of God be with you til' we meet again. It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had. My heart was breaking, but I felt such joy for my eternal companion. Such love and admiration. He was so strong. He endured all to be with Heavenly Father and Christ again. And he is. It was hard, but I was so happy that his pain and suffering was over. I love Robert Kenneth Ashworth with every fiber on my being, my soul, my spirit. He taught me what love truly is. He is love. The epitome of love. I couldn't have had a better husband in this life, or companion for the eternities."
I am grateful to all those who love me and support me through everything. I am grateful for the strength and love you provide, it means the world to me, more than I can say. Thank you for loving Robert and being part of our journey. I love you all.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All is Well.

I remember the night Robert passed away, the peace I felt. I wouldn't even say it was necessarily bittersweet, because it was mostly sweet. I've thought a lot about the events, played them in my mind, over and over. When I think about it now, I see angels. I know they were everywhere, all around me, Robert, our families, in the halls. I've never felt peace like that, like tons of beautiful whispers of love right into my spirit, comforting me, letting me know everything was going to be okay. I felt their joy, for Robert, a valiant son of God was coming back to them, clean, and as pure as a person can be in this life. He served his mission here, with help from many of the angels that attended us, I believe. I remember making the decisions about letting him go, to take him off his life support. It's those moments that I had clarity like I have never felt before in my life, I had never felt that kind of peace that comes with it. All worry and fear clears out completely, and I knew what was needed, what was right in Heavenly Father's eyes. I imagine that night now with angels, clothed in brilliant white, joy emanating from them. I imagine they were laying comforting, loving hands on all of us, and especially Robert, to give him strength, to let him know we would all be okay. I remember how we sang to Robert as he passed away, and I now hear it with the voices of angels harmonizing with everyone's voices, welcoming Robert home. We were all saying goodbye, but all those angels were rejoicing in his return, they were welcoming him back. It brings me comfort, that I can see that night this way. I see Robert in those brilliant white robes, pure joy on his face, looking more healthy than he ever has, healed perfectly, and knowing that he felt relief, that it had been enough, that he had served in every way he had been asked. "All is well"... I heard it whispered much that night through the spirit, and I hear it often now. Even though I am hurting, I know that it will all be okay, Robert and I will be reunited for eternity, of this, I am sure.

All is well.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Biggest Laugh

Taken on Ashley and Robert's honeymoon.

Yesterday marked one month since Robert's passing. I've really missed him this week. I needed to post a funny story, maybe two. This story gave me the biggest laugh during the past month, and has even provided a couple chuckles since then, well pretty much every time I think about it.

Robert was in the hospital in Salt Lake, he had just completed his second transplant and he had developed his nasty case of mucositis and was sleeping a lot and recovering. He woke up from a nap in the afternoon and looked over at Ashley, who was reading on her bed.
"I'm hungry Ashley."
"Okay Robert, what do you want to eat?"
"What do we have?"
Now remember that Robert didn't like eating much at all at this point, so Ashley was a little surprised. They had a cupboard in the room that they kept food in, so Ashley opened it up. She quizzed Robert about a few of the things that were in there that she thought might be easy for him to eat. He saw the box of ding dongs and said, "I want those." Again surprising, since he didn't usually like chocolate at the time.
"Okay Robert." Ashley opened one for him and handed it over. Robert took one bite and started slowly chewing. Then he set it down on the table. About a minute later her fell back to sleep.
A five minute cat nap was all he needed. When he woke up he immediately looked at Ashley wide-eyed. He spit a brown ball out on his hand and said, "what is in my mouth?". . . "Did I eat this?!?"
Ashley laughed and reassured him that he did indeed eat that bite of ding dong. She showed him the wrapper and the rest on his table.
Cracks me up every time I picture his "what the crap is in my mouth?" face. Robert loved to tell his funny hospital stories. He loved making people laugh.

The other story that has made me laugh is about my daughter Josie. If you've been reading this blog for long you may remember that she was born during the Luau Fundraiser that we held for Robert last May. Because we couldn't take our young children around Robert in Salt Lake, he didn't meet her until he was home in October.

Josie on October 6, 2009

After the second or third time that he saw Josie, Robert told Ashley, "Josie is so asymmetrical."
"You mean symmetrical?" Ashley asked.
Robert replied, "no I mean asymmetrical. You know, like if you cut an A in half it is exactly the same on both sides."
Ashley saw Robert's logic, cracked up and told him that he meant symmetrical.

Both those stories gave me a good laugh. I've been told I'm easily amused, but hopefully they will put a smile on your face too. I wanted to make sure those stories got written down, too. Please keep your stories and pictures coming too!

It really makes things easier when I am missing Robert to think of all the good memories I have of him, funny ones included. I think he is happy to see us laughing!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A Continuing Legacy

I've thought about this blog this week. I've thought a lot about Robert. There have been emails, comments on here, comments on Robert's facebook page; people sharing thoughts and stories about what Robert and his amazing life meant to them. They are his legacy.

So many have shared that Robert was a force for good in their life. I know he was a force for greatness in mine. His legacy here isn't over, either. His influence still reaches out to us from the other side, from beyond his grave. His amazing example still spurs us all on to reach a little higher each day, to be a little better, a little kinder, to lift up someone else, to try to be like him. And in following Robert's example we will be following the example of our Savior. Because Robert loves his Savior and he tried every day of his life to live as the Savior wanted him to. Robert lived a life centered on Christ, a life directed by his immoveable faith. Today I am so grateful for Robert.

There was a theme, a common thread through the messages and thoughts shared at Robert's funeral: it is the message of our temples and that families really can be together forever, not just till death. Robert and Ashley weren't just married for time, they were sealed for all eternity in the Las Vegas Temple. If you would like to watch a short video about the blessings of the temple go here.

There is something about losing a loved one that makes you bold. I think it is because it causes you to pause and think about what is really important in this life. Robert was a college student when he was diagnosed with leukemia. When he died he didn't own a home, have a large bank account, or have an amazing car or any of the things that can seem so desirable in this life. He did have an amazing marriage with the love of his life, good relationships and love for and from his parents, siblings, in-laws and many others, he had a testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel, he had many good friends. Those are the things that matter.

Ashley is bold. The experiences of the past two years, culminating in losing the love of her life in this earthly existence, they have changed her. There isn't much she fears anymore. She no longer fears death, and she doesn't worry about what people think about her. She is graceful and kind, yet speaks clearly. She doesn't ever want to offend, yet she desires to see others thrive in their marriages and lives. She nudges and reminds those around her to choose the right. I watch her, and I think she is amazing.

She is walking a path that no one besides her Savior can walk with her. I know that sometimes, as often as he can, Robert walks with her. Ashley will be forever a better woman, because she is Robert's eternal companion. She continues his legacy. Robert's siblings, parents, family and even his friends will continue to carry on his legacy.

So in the spirit of being bold, you should also check out this video, here.

I would like to thank all of you who have taken a moment to leave a comment or send an email. It has been such a blessing to read stories, most that we have never heard before. We are printing all of the stories and putting them in notebooks for Ashley and the Ashworths, so that we can add to them at any time. Please feel free to keep the stories coming, also we would love to receive any pictures that you may have of Robert. The email you can send both to is

Thank you!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Remembering Robdob Video

This video played at the viewing on Friday night. The funeral service was inspiring. We hope to share more of the messages and memories that were shared here for those who live out of town and were unable to attend. Get a tissue to watch the video! It is beautiful.

Many thanks and sincere gratitude to all those who have been of service, sent flowers and donated to the Hope Trust Fund and the leukemia foundation. Ashley continues to be sustained by your prayers and love and the Spirit. Thank you!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Robert Kenneth Ashworth, 25, a student, of Las Vegas, passed away December 13, 2009. He was born August 28, 1984, in St. George, UT, and was a 17 year resident of Nevada. Robert graduated from Las Vegas High School in 2003. He attended college in Missouri and CSN. Robert married Ashley Ann Squires July 8, 2006. He is survived by his wife, Ashley Ashworth; parents, Linda and Ken Ashworth; sisters, Amanda, Alicia, and Anjelica; and brothers, Ryan and Richmond. Viewing will only be 6-8 p.m. Friday December 18. Funeral services Saturday, 11 a.m., both at the LDS chapel, 4040 E. Wyoming (at Gateway). Graveside service will follow at Bunkers Memory Gardens, 7251 W. Lone Mountain Rd. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Hope Trust c/o Robert Ashworth, 1055 Whitney Ranch Drive, Suite 110, Henderson, NV 89014.

A Few Things

There has been some confusion about the time of the funeral on Saturday, we would just like to clarify that it will be at 11:00 a.m. at the same location as previously posted.

The Ashworth family has requested that in lieu of flowers donations may be made to the Hope Trust Fund. This is a Robert Ashworth Memorial Fund that will benefit his wife, Ashley.

I would like to share the gratitude expressed by many in both the Ashworth and Squires families for the many sweet sentiments and great services that have been performed and offered on our behalf. With the strength and sustaining of the Spirit, it is getting us through.
Thank you to those have shared memories of Robert with us, I know they will be a treasure to Ashley and the Ashworth's in the years to come. Please keep them coming.

I just have to share a picture. This photo was taken on November 24th, 2009:

The most adorable, eternal couple ever!